Where do I begin with this post?

So much has happened in my life since Derek died in 2017. I have since had 2 more babies! Covid. Moved. My parents’ health. Relationships with ups & downs. My own health. My kids are growing up (big kids big problems kind of thing). It’s quite amazing how busy life has been! I still can’t quite figure out why God let Derek die in the middle of the craziest times of my life when I was having babies. But I’ll tell ya, tonight I held my baby girl close and gave her a kiss on the head thanking God for her as a gift to our family. The pure joy that illuminates from her tiny face gives me hope in the day-to-day.

Because I’ve been feeling very sad and down. It’s always around this time of year too. I kept thinking it’s coming up on 7 years since Derek died. It’s only going to be 6. Like how did I mistake the timing???? Baby brain? Or just the now obvious gap in time since we’ve seen him alive?

It’s not that I’m not keeping track. It’s just that the years fly by with little kids! My brain doesn’t really “go there” too often because I don’t have time to allow it anymore.

Have you ever taken time to reflect on your day at the end of the day? I rarely do it but when I can, I’m really able to focus on the things that I’m grateful for that happened to me. And it gives me hope. When I have hope, I feel lighter, happier, and I’m better able to cope with life’s curveballs. When I don’t do this, well, I feel the worst possible feelings and it lingers. And repressing my trauma from Derek’s tragic death doesn’t help in the mix.

It’s so hard to imagine saying to people that Derek has been dead for 5 years come this November 2022. Feels like an eternity.

I turned 40 a few weeks ago. Derek never made it to see 40. He was 39.5 when he died. A part of me feels very guilty being alive past the age when he died. It’s a strange feeling now that I’m actually 40 and leading up to it I felt very sad. Even though he’s forever 39.5, he’s 44 in my eyes. He will always be my big brother. Surpassing him doesn’t seem right to me. When I’m 50, he’ll be 54. It’s the only way my brain can handle this, otherwise I will feel stuck and hopeless with no progress in healing.

Is healing even achievable with grief? I really don’t think so. Did Mary fully heal after she witnessed Jesus, her only son, hanging on a cross after being brutally tortured and murdered? Adjusting may be a better way to describe it. Trying to place yourself in a new way of life that still feels normal, as much as normal is no longer normal. Sometimes I’m all for the adjustment and other times I just don’t want to.

Maybe that’s why God gives us the ability to remember the past, to recollect the memories. The memories are helpful at times. Nothing is ever a guaranteed pick-me-up though. I haven’t been to the cemetery much since we moved further west, but I go now and I just feel a disconnect. That’s where the memories come in and they do help me cope.

My daughter asked me the other night how old we are when we die and go to Heaven. I said I’m not really sure because I’ve never been, but from what I’ve heard from religious scholars is that the age may not be the age when you die. I find that very compelling. What age is Derek in Heaven?

It’s kinda funny to title my post a Metallica song, but it’s so true.

I’m not saying my life and my family & friends don’t matter, but certainly many other things just DO NOT matter to me the way they once did.

When you lose someone so quickly, so unexpectedly, so tragically, it changes EVERYTHING. Everything I think, do and say.

I think about my brother everyday, and I think about life’s purpose all the time. Maybe too much. It’s become this new obsession because I understand now just how fleeting life is. People are literally here one day, gone the next. This same realization has hit more people this past year with the pandemic and all of the sudden deaths.

Derek’s death made me realize how much I don’t care about what I used to care about. Instead of going through the list of things I used to care about, I’ll outline what I now care most about.

God: God is the real deal. I know this for a fact because I had a truly profound experience with the Holy Spirit the night before Derek died. It was when I was visiting him at the hospital. I didn’t even realize it was the Holy Spirit until afterwards. I could write on and on about this. But this is what matters MOST. God is what gets me through. If I didn’t have God, I’d be a total wreck. Not saying I’m good, but I would definitely be WORSE. I haven’t lost touch with God in the 3+ years since Derek died, which is another story that I could go on and on about, but this is timed so perfectly (because it’s God!) that I’m so grateful I didn’t feel a disconnect as so many people do when they lose someone tragically. I thank God for that too.

Family: 100% family time together, making memories and building relationships that are based on love, support, genuine care and compassion.

My kids: I honestly try so hard not to commiserate about my kids. You know the cliche things people say about their kids. It’s so hard but I want to appreciate them more than complain about them because you just never know when it could all just end.

My husband: another person I try not to commiserate with others about. What the heck is the point of that anyway? If you need some help with your relationship, get the help, don’t complain about the person. Do something to make it better. Marriage and family are under attack more than ever right now, so it’s up to us to keep it going. Not to give up when it gets hard. No one said it would be easy!

Not the luxuries: I couldn’t be more repulsed by the luxuries I used to pine for. It just doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I’m so happy about this one because I see how so many people just get things and waste a lot of money. And it truly doesn’t fill any void.

Today, my daughter didn’t end up having school. It was a day off for Easter. We went to school and one other lady thought there was school today. So we laughed about it together and parted ways. Since we haven’t done much in the last year due to the pandemic, I figured we’d go on an adventure. I asked my mom to come along.

So we went downtown. I haven’t been downtown in months due to the pandemic and major riots/looting that happened this past summer. I avoided it mainly because the city was Derek’s place to be. And going there reminds me of him.

After we stopped at a store for the girls, I suggested we drive past his condo that he sold only weeks prior to his death. It was a nice place where he lived, close to the lake with surrounding restaurants and shops. Lill & Halsted. I visited him there pretty often, and my good friend Kate reminded me that Derek would move his car when I’d head to the city so I could park in his spot. He was so nice about helping me out, with no complaints or strings attached. His place was perfect for him and he was in his element, amongst the people, living life to the fullest.

It felt cold pulling up to his building. I guess I never knew how plain it was on the outside. I tried to get my huge van in his tiny parking spot in the tiniest parking lot, to no avail. I ended up parking in front and we just looked at the entrance, almost hoping I’d see him walk out the front door. It’s quite unbelievable that this is our life now. My mom and I were crying together talking about how much he loved being there. And how she could picture him running down the street because that’s just what he did.

I felt a little bad that I kinda sprung it on her that we’d be passing his place. I knew I needed that closure but then I wondered if she did?

This was the closure I was looking for. I needed to do this for my healing. Maybe my mom doesn’t need this for hers. Our journeys are different, as are all of ours. But I’m so glad I finally got there, 3+ years later.

Hitting year 3 on November 13, 2020 was almost harder than hitting the first year. Not quite as emotional, I didn’t cry as much, but I just felt that loss in a heavy way all over again.

Maybe it was intensified due to the pandemic. Or due to the fact that time has slowed down (in a way) due to the pandemic. I’m not doing as much with others so I’m thinking about Derek more. I mean, I had an infant and a newborn during my grieving process, so I’m sure hormones have a lot to do with my emotions too. It’s been a whirlwind to say the very least.

But the 3 year mark is tough because the shock has worn off and it’s hard to believe this is REAL LIFE. Wouldn’t it be nice to live in denial for the rest of our lives? Totally. But does that allow for healing? Nope.

I don’t get to do a lot of reading because my days are busy with school and naps and meals and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, and then a little bit of cleaning.

There is one book I’d love to read and it’s about healing. I need healing in the worst way right now. I have been MAD, MAD, MAD lately. Because I’m sad. I’m masking my sadness with madness. Mad about just about anything and everything. I have been pretty hard to deal with. Tough. After all, I’m a south sider. We’re just tough. But I know this stems from my grief. And I see how it impacts my family, my poor kids, my poor husband! It’s an emotion that doesn’t just go away because grief doesn’t go away, but I’m finally understanding how it can be managed.

If I can’t read, at least I can journal, and that’s a huge step in dealing with grief. I’ve bottled up my emotions for too long. Now it’s time to let it out. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll help someone else. That’s why I’m putting it all out there on the World Wide Web. Take from it what you will.

A few weeks before Christmas 2020, craziest year of our lives, my family got in the car and went to see a really cool light show in a mall parking lot. It left me feeling hopeful and put me in a happy mood considering the pandemic had everyone in a funk.

We stopped to change Mikey on our way home. Why we didn’t just drive home to do it, since we were only about 10 minutes away, well this Godwink must’ve been the reason…

We got into a left turn lane, and a car kinda snuck in front of us. It took me a second to realize that the license plate on the car read exactly what my button hanging from the rear view mirror read, “WE 🧡 DW.” The license plate read, “WE LV DW.” It was a Lexus too, and Derek drove that kind of car.

I literally could have jumped out of my seat, I was so pumped to see it. I knew I had to take a picture otherwise no one would believe this! It couldn’t have been a blatant sign could it?

For Derek’s 40th birthday, I had these buttons made for everyone who came to it. I’ve had mine hanging in my car ever since. It’s a reminder of him, not that I need reminding that he’s gone, but one of happiness and celebration in the midst of immense sadness. We celebrated his 40th birthday only 6 months after he died. I thought the buttons would be a nice way of memorializing Derek. A little keepsake for people who loved him.

I posted a picture of the license plate with the story on social media so I could share it with his friends and our family, and got a lot of nice responses. It’s just one of those things you’d never expect to happen at a time it would mean the most.

Derek died a week before Thanksgiving so that holiday along with Christmas will never be the same. This Godwink to me shows that he is still with us, or maybe it’s God acknowledging our ongoing love for Derek even though he’s gone.

Whatever the case may be, it was amazing and I’ll never forget that moment.

Of course, I knew I had to see the face of the driver of the Lexus. So Mike hurried to catch up to him. He was an older man in his 50s or 60s. I kept thinking that he may have lost someone too. Maybe he lost a child, maybe a son. Maybe his family felt the need to memorialize just as we had. Little did this man know that his plates meant more to me than anyone else driving past him that night. His memory of his DW still lives on like ours.

Why do we have so many obstacles in life?

Why does it feel like one thing happens after another after another?

Isn’t it enough to deal with one thing?

I did a women’s study through Endow called Salvifici Doloris, On the Christian Meaning of Human Suffering, an apostolic letter written by St. John Paul II in 1984.

I started this only a few months after Derek died. It was hard to do but I still remember learning a lot from it.

The main topic was redemptive suffering. I never knew what that meant fully before this study.

It’s the Catholic belief that human suffering, when accepted and offered up in union with the Passion of Jesus, can remit the just punishment for one’s sins or for the sins of another, or for the other physical or spiritual needs of oneself or another.

It was this topic that made me realize that there is meaning behind suffering. And that suffering needs to be accepted in order to help myself or others. Sin is ugly. I sin every single day. Maybe this suffering is mean to help me, a sinner. Maybe it’s meant to help others who sin. I wish there was a cut and dry reason behind it, but as with all things God-related, it’s a mystery that my faith will help me navigate through it.

I am grateful for all of the things I’ve encountered in life, the good AND the bad.

I’m grateful for the things that have made me who I am. I have a lot of improvements to make, but for now I’d like to focus on the things that are positives:

• My family & friends who have been there for me many years
• My kids and their personalities making them uniquely who they are
• My husband who puts up with me every single day
• My kitty who has been last on the list for many years and still loves me
• Summer days outside
• Night time cuddles with Mikey
• Mass in masks (I’ll take it)
• A place to call home and food on the table
• Memories
• Outlets like writing that helps me cope with life
• Road trips
• Cooking
• Sweets & treats (making everything feel a little bit better)
• Seeing cousins play and have the time of their lives
• Simple joys like handwritten cards, spur of the moment visits, inspirational memes, hugs, thank yous and how you doings.

I’m sure there’s more but today I just need to remind myself that there’s still a whole lot of positive in the midst of grief. There’s life to live every single day. I intend to live it. I just need to get back on track. The devil wants to bring us down and it’s been happening to me a whole lot lately. God protects and He fights for me.

THE LORD WILL FIGHT FOR YOU; YOU NEED ONLY BE STILL. Exodus 14:14

A couple weeks before I had Mikey, which was a few weeks before the pandemic really hit us here in the U.S., Mike was coming back from out of town and would be home around 1 a.m.

I was sleeping on the couch and I was kind of expecting to wake up when he walked in.

That night I had a dream about Derek. It was the most interactive dream I’ve had of him. In my dream, I actually talked to him and he responded to me.

I’ve probably had a total of 4 dreams with him in it. In the beginning, he was in them but far away, not speaking or looking at me. This dream was different. Way different. I felt like this dream was a real message from him.

In my dream, I was in Shea’s room changing her while waiting for Mike to come in the door from his trip. I looked into the kitchen and saw Derek standing there heading toward Shea’s room. He said hi and I said hi. He was wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a Mickey Mouse glove on his hand. He looked really happy and good! He told me he wishes we could be with us to have coffee. I told him we miss him so much and wish we could spend more time with him. He said in time we will, but it’ll just be awhile. He kept smiling and was just very positive. I was holding Shea and we did a group hug and it wasn’t like a real hug because it kinda went through him and then he was gone. Then Mike came in the door from his work trip.

It woke me out of sleep and I immediately texted it to my sister and mom so I wouldn’t forget. And shortly after, Mike walked in the from his work trip.

I forgot I still had this account and life got crazy so I stopped writing.

Because I stopped writing, I stopped healing.

In the 7 months leading up to the 2 year anniversary of Derek’s death, things have been hectic.

In August 2019, we announced we were having our 3rd baby. In March 2020, baby Mikey was born. Having 3 kids has been insanely busy! And my grief kept getting pushed further into the deep, dark, black hole.

The pandemic has made things even crazier.

During the beginning of the pandemic, when we were home from the hospital, I thought a lot about Derek and wondered if he knew all of this was going to happen to us here.

I wasn’t really sad until recently. I’ve been hit with postpartum emotions/suppressed grief/pandemic blues. I’ve cried over Derek the last couple weeks and it’s felt even more raw now than in the last year.

When it dawned on me that we’re going on 3 years in November, it really made me sad.

HOW IS TIME GOING BY SO FAST?

I am almost 38. Derek died when he was 39. I can’t handle that I’m getting closer to the age when he died. It almost doesn’t seem fair that I keep going when he can’t.

This pandemic time has made me realize a lot. I know I’m strong enough to get through this having gone through Derek’s sudden death. But it still doesn’t make it easy. It’s just all very hard and it compounds. I literally have to take it one day at a time to get through it all.