And then it was 3.

I forgot I still had this account and life got crazy so I stopped writing.

Because I stopped writing, I stopped healing.

In the 7 months leading up to the 2 year anniversary of Derek’s death, things have been hectic.

In August 2019, we announced we were having our 3rd baby. In March 2020, baby Mikey was born. Having 3 kids has been insanely busy! And my grief kept getting pushed further into the deep, dark, black hole.

The pandemic has made things even crazier.

During the beginning of the pandemic, when we were home from the hospital, I thought a lot about Derek and wondered if he knew all of this was going to happen to us here.

I wasn’t really sad until recently. I’ve been hit with postpartum emotions/suppressed grief/pandemic blues. I’ve cried over Derek the last couple weeks and it’s felt even more raw now than in the last year.

When it dawned on me that we’re going on 3 years in November, it really made me sad.

HOW IS TIME GOING BY SO FAST?

I am almost 38. Derek died when he was 39. I can’t handle that I’m getting closer to the age when he died. It almost doesn’t seem fair that I keep going when he can’t.

This pandemic time has made me realize a lot. I know I’m strong enough to get through this having gone through Derek’s sudden death. But it still doesn’t make it easy. It’s just all very hard and it compounds. I literally have to take it one day at a time to get through it all.