Feels like an eternity now. It hasn’t even been a YEAR and a HALF since Derek left this Earth. I still think about him every day.
And every day I wonder the same questions: What is he doing now? Does he see us? Is he REALLY here with us even though he’s not physically here with us? When we talk about him, does it trigger him to check in and listen? Is he with God? What is God having him do? Is he really at total peace and happiness? Does he feel sad that we’re sad? Does he remember our memories as a family? Is his personality the same?
Some questions I can attempt to answer and others I cannot.
My faith has been up and down; my emotions have been all over the place. The second year in feels hands-down 1,000,000% worse than the first year. The shock has well worn off and now we’re facing the FACT that Derek will never come back again. And it’s an emotional whirlwind.
My life is one great, big DISTRACTION. I don’t mean for it. I work and I am with my kids and my family. I literally have no time of my own to really reflect on my emotions at the time. I feel like I’m wearing a mask and I never take it off.
I was trying out this grief support group but it was too much. Too much baggage belonging to others who were grieving. I left feeling even more sad and empty. Then the ones who’ve been dealing with it longer, the “veterans” as I call them, suck. They’re the ones going off topic, cracking jokes, making it a social outing than a grief support group. On the flipside, going to a counseling 1:1 helped a bit, but it was way too much in that I felt like I wasn’t moving forward. I guess on my own and in time, I’ll be able to move forward. It feels like it’ll take forever to get there, if I do at all.
I’ve been trying to avert my attention to hobbies and things that I used to enjoy. But I also want to focus on the things that were done wrong with Derek to ensure it doesn’t happen to someone else in the future. That OVERWHELMS me so much. I also worry that I’ll never get over his hospital experience if I do something like that. It’s something I have to discern because right now it just seems like a huge chore.
We had a St. Patrick’s Day party at my house with my family yesterday. It was so obvious, again, that Derek wasn’t there and he wasn’t coming. I have a hard time understanding that he was still “with us.” I get signs from him but then I second-guess them for random occurrences that have nothing to do with him or me. I wish there was a way to know FOR SURE. I wish I could hear from him, like his own voice. Or see him and not just in a dream. All of this is completely unrealistic though. Thinking about it just makes me want to cry.
Grieving Sibling Loss 